The 800-Pound Gorilla

The wonderful thing about having a blog that most people don't read is that I get to say almost anything I want. I could say some things that would force Google to boot my booty off-line, but that would be counterproductive.

This blog makes me absolutely no money, so I can't lose what I don't have. I thought about ringing the perimeter of this blog with advertising like the Big Gorilla Blogs, but I hate it every time I accidentally click on one and end up in a mystic ad land that refuses to let my back or shut down icons work. I end up pushing my finger hard and deep into the computer tower off-button just to escape, and then I have to deal with the re-start-up fiasco.

I do use this blog to promote my books, but the nineteen people who read my blogs have already bought the book, so the promotions mostly look on blind eyes. That's OK, though; I do get an occasional lol, lmao and such.

At least now I can start promoting my new book and give my small following something new to look at. Unfortunately, they will get bored quickly and I will have to try to be funny again to keep their attention. That too is OK. Humor is the only paycheck for unknown, newbie authors. I'm not complaining, laughing far outweighs crying, and I don't waste Kleenex.

So what keeps me going down the lonely, newbie author pathway? I'll tell you something - there is no one answer. Passion for writing is the main thing, but ego is another. Most will not admit to the latter. I freely do, because it's my blog and no one reads it. I refuse to write two murder mysteries and let them become obscure in the bowles of Amazon. My ego won't allow it. There is also the matter of fame. Yes, I want fame and fortune and I want them now! There, I've said it and I feel much better for it....

There are a few of the nineteen people who read my blogs that wish it would just fade away. You know who you are! Forget it, this blog will be up and running till the day I go to the big blog in the sky. Unlike writing a novel, which takes months and sometimes years to write, blogs are here and now. It's self-gratification to the extreme. It's like Meg Ryan in her famous scene in When Harry Met Sally.

Oh, crap, now my secrets are out. Ego, Fame and Eroticism are great motivators also....

Write on,

Mittster

Mittster the Trickster

I have always been the kind of guy that loves a good laugh, even if the laugh is on me. Let’s face it; laughter truly is the best medicine. I would like to present to you a few instances where we laughed until we cried and then laughed some more.

Jerome Grand Hotel

My sixtieth birthday started out like any other day. I went to work knowing that wifey had planned a weekend in Jerome, Arizona and we would stay at the Ghost City Inn Bed and Breakfast. She also planned a birthday dinner at the Asylum Restaurant which is located in the Jerome Grand Hotel.

After work we packed a few things and headed from Lake Montezuma to Cottonwood and up Mingus Mountain to Jerome. After checking in the B&B, we freshened up a bit and headed for dinner. It’s a steep curving road to the hotel, but once there, the views of the Sedona Red Rocks and the Verde Valley are spectacular. We walked into the restaurant and after my eyes adjusted to the low light I saw a large table in the distance with Happy Birthday balloons looking down on some people sitting at the table. “Look, darling, someone else is celebrating a birthday tonight,” I said as we neared the table. “What is your mother doing here?” I asked in earnest. “Look, Jay, Shannon, Chris and Nissa are here too,” I exclaimed. Then it dawned on me – I am so freaking lame! It was a surprise birthday party for me. The laughter started and lasted the whole evening.

My daughter Nissa come home from the service after 12 years and a tour in Iraq, tired, shell shocked and a little bewildered. She wanted to finish her college studies and get a degree. We found her a place and job and she settled in to a life she was not used to and the adjustment was difficult. Her birthday was coming up and I thought it would be great if her step-mother and I could arrange a visit from her mother who lives in Michigan. The idea was to do it secretly and surprise her. Well, the plan was simple. While I was at work, Nissa and my current wife Sandy would drive down to Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix and pick up Sandy’s cousin who also was flying in from Michigan and give her a ride to her home in Wickenburg on the way back to the Verde Valley. No way did I want Sandy making that drive alone.

As the two of them were sitting in the terminal waiting for the passengers to finish their walk up the tunnel, Sandy described her cousin to Nissa so she could keep an eye out for her. Meanwhile Nissa’s mother, Lori, positioned herself behind a rather large man and headed for the terminal. When Nissa’s mother came into view, Nissa blurted out, “That looks like my mother! What is she doing here?” Like a bolt of lightning, she realized she was just as lame as her father. The laughter started and lasted the whole trip back to the Verde Valley.

Chris and his lady, Mary Beth.

For Mother’s Day, my stepson Chris and I planned a little surprise for his mother. Chris lives in Michigan and wanted to fly in and surprise his mother. We devised this plan. I told Sandy that Nissa’s mother wanted to fly in again to visit her daughter. I agreed to go with her to the airport so we could pick up Lori. Nissa was in on this hoax but had to work that day and was not there for the surprise. As we sat in the lobby waiting, Sandy started to text Chris who she thought was at work in Michigan. As she texted away, Chris was walking up the tunnel texting back to her. Sandy was looking down at her text message only to look up at her son looking down at her. I said, “Got ya!” We all started laughing so loud people started looking at us with great curiosity. We laughed all the way back home.

Last Saturday, while I rode Harleys with some friends, Sandy went to our favorite tattoo artist Adrian at Physical Graffiti. She wanted to get 9-11 tattooed next to some red, white and blue roses she had done after that horrible day at the Twin Towers. While she was there, she asked Adrian to tattoo "Mitt" across her ankle. I thought that was a real gesture of love and I started planning another hoax. Last Wednesday, on the way home from work I stopped at Physical Graffiti and had Adrian tattoo "Sandy" across my ankle. On the way home I called Sandy and told her that I had cut myself at work on a stack of ceramic tiles and that I would need help re-bandaging the wound when I got home. The tat was on the opposite leg right above my work boot line. I acted casual and took my time bringing in my lunch pail and paperwork. I finally made my way to the bathroom after taking my boots off and asked my wife if she could get the bandage off for me. She took scissors and carefully cut off the tape, unwrapped the gauze slowly only to discover a new tattoo with her name in bold, black color. “Got ya, wifey!” I laughed – she cried and we both hugged each other tightly.

This is the kind of stuff that makes life so worth living, even when the world around us seems lost in insanity. When I leave the planet, I know it will be sad because it has been such a wild, wonderful ride, but you can bet I will find a way to make even that day funny!

Write on,

Mittster

I Made a Mistake

“I made a mistake” is four of the hardest words to speak, but I have cut it down to just two words; “Yes dear.” For some, saying yes dear is like pulling eyeteeth. For me saying yes dear is like letting honey flow from by lips. If it is your wife you are saying it to the fight is over before it even started. If it is a girlfriend, her clothes fall instantly to the floor. If it is a guy you say it to, laughter breaks out (unless he is robbing you and then shoots you in the brain (or worse) for coming on to him). There are instances where silence is better. In any case, admitting to mistakes takes guts, but the rewards are always better than blaming someone else.

As a young guy, I always blamed my identical twin brother when I screwed up, and he did likewise. For instance, there was the time when my brother used my hunting license and shot a deer in a game reserve. Or the time I used his drivers license when I got a ticket for almost knocking a California HP off his motorcycle because I had my surfboard crammed sideways through the back windows of my car. Man was that cop pissed. “But, officer, I was in a hurry; surf’s up!” Fortunately, it was only a short period of time before I got my driver’s license back because I turned 18. My brother had to wait too. The Highway Patrolman tore his license up on the spot!

One time my twin and I blamed the Feeney brothers who lived at the next ranch for smoking in the barn after dad found our stash of matches and Pall Malls that mom smoked. He drove us up to the Feeneys’ ranch house with us being bumped up and down in the back of his pickup only to find out that we all had been smoking in the barn. This time we did not get spanked because we were too busy barfing everywhere. I didn’t touch another cigarette for 25 years.

The worst time was when my twin used my driver’s license and showed it to the Dad of a girl he had met a week earlier in high school. When he picked her up for a drive-in movie date, the father wanted to make sure he had a license to drive. Later in the evening brother and daughter got cozy and she became pregnant. You should have seen the look on my mother’s face when she got the call that I knocked up someone’s teenage daughter. In fact, you should have seen the look on my face when she slapped it. Brother heard the screaming from mom and high-tailed it out the back door. Of course, the real culprit was discovered later and the shotgun wedding went off without a hitch. In this case saying, “I made a mistake,” wouldn’t change anything.

I like to think that now I can admit to mistakes openly and freely. I can even admit to the mistakes of others if the situation warrants it. Sometimes you can defuse problems quickly by using broad shoulders to help someone else save face. Besides, they then owe you free lunches for a week. I’m not talking McDs’…I’m talking Pizza Hut for sure!

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Bad Habit # 333

I am really trying to not get up at three a.m. anymore. I finished my first two novels, Evil in the Mirror and Day Stalker, and the third one, The Phoenix Code, is on the shelf because I am now working as a consultant for a construction company from Hawaii.

Even though my passion is writing, it was time to refurbish the coffers until I retire yet again and pick up where I left off. My problem is that for two years while writing murder mysteries, I would get up no later than three a.m. and most times earlier. By two p.m. I would be ready to lie down for the day. Well, I can’t do that anymore – The Islands are three hours behind our time. When the team in Hawaii gets geared up for their day, I’m nodding off at my desk!

It’s a good thing I still enjoy working with spreadsheets and calculations or this gig could be the straw that broke the old camel’s back. The truth be known, working for this company is very exciting and I look forward to each day. I did mention to my wife that this will be my last hurrah, and then I will retire from construction for real. That comment was bull poop and I knew it…I will quit after they lay my worn-out carcass to rest.

I am grateful this opportunity came my way while we are suffering from the deepest worldwide recession I have ever seen, to say nothing of the natural disasters that have been plaguing the world right and left. Sometimes it is good to step back and be thankful for what we have, instead of worrying about what we think we should have. I am blessed with a fantastic family, a roof over our heads and food to eat. The rest is just icing on the cake.

In the meanwhile, I was again out of bed at exactly three a.m. with my wife’s parting word ringing in my head, “Idiot!”

She’s just saying,

Mittster

"Newbie Writing Club"

As I worked with my publisher on my first and second novels, it became more evident that the first time, wanna be writers will have a daunting task ahead. I look back at all the wasted time and money I spent trying to self-publish, print, store, distribute and build Websites for two small self-help books (thinking all along I could do it by myself) only to discover it was the wrong approach.

Let’s face it, I got caught up in the Internet hype…Let me show you how to make millions on the Internet! Beware my friends; it’s really just the start of a bad trip down Internet fantasy land. After two years of trial, error and frustration beyond belief, there are really only three simple answers that spell success. Research, research, and more research! I absolutely recommend starting in the public library unless you are very, very Internet savvy. It’s free, simple and won’t empty your wallet. Everything you can buy on line is free in the library! Yes, it is time consuming, but for the budget minded, a perfect solution. The problem with researching on line is that everything has a price tag unless you know where to look and knowing where to look also takes time and can cost a boatload of bucks and a computer full of viruses.

The big question is; can I self-publish my novel without spending money? The answer is basically, NO! The good news is that you can publish with a moderate budget. If you are thinking about using a POD (print on demand) publisher, research is so very important. I researched for many months looking for that perfect combination and finally found it with Wheatmark, Inc. based in Tucson, Arizona. While they were perfect for me, that does not mean they will be perfect for you. Remember; research, research and more research!

For those of you who are serious about writing that first book and joining the “newbie club,” don’t hesitate to e-mail me if you need help finding your way. The only time I charge for advice is if we are on Skype learning how to actually write that first novel. E-mail conversations are for free advice; sometimes I need help too and I don’t hesitate to ask my author friends for their advice via e-mails.

I can tell you one thing for sure. The excitement of seeing your first book on Amazon.com will blow your mind. In fact, so much so that you will need to sit down. Seeing the second book is even more exciting. I actually needed an attitude adjustment because my already large head turned into the Goodyear blimp! My wife deflated my head quickly by reminding me that now I needed to sell the books. Oh, I forgot about that….

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Well, Tweet My Twitter!

As the title implies, I love talking dirty to myself. In reality though, I thought I would write a few comments about Twitter and how it has impacted my Web Life. Yes, I said, Web Life. You know, the place everyone reading this blog lives to the chagrin of everyone else who lives in boring reality.

As suggested by my publisher, my book promotions are centered around three Websites: Twitter, Facebook and a Website dedicated to my books. Facebook is certainly the most fun, whereas the Website is just a showcase. Twitter is mostly serious, which took some getting used to. Nothing much funny going on there - just people trying to be noticed by somebody who is somebody. In Twitterland, the nobodies prevail, but occasionally somebody will surface who has thousands and thousands of followers. I am trying to be one of those people.

I Tweet my Blog on Twitter everyday (there I go getting dirty again. Sorry!), and I have about 600 or so followers - mostly writers, publishers and an assortment of weirdos like myself. The trick is to get people interested in what you have to offer. I obviously haven't learned the trick yet, but if I am one thing, it's persistent! In theory, the harder you try at something, the better chance you have of succeeding. The reality may be different, but I keep moving forward no matter the weight on my shoulders.

Also, in theory, Twitter can connect you with the elite and powerful. My problem is that I wouldn't know what to say if or when I did meet them. Well, that's not quite accurate; I did have a short connection with Anne Rice, but she didn't offer to introduce me to her publisher. Perhaps she tired of my platitudes and idol worship. After all, she is my favorite author.

After the holidays are over, I plan to have a video made and submit it to YouTube featuring my books Evil in the Mirror and Day Stalker. I look at it this way - why not make my Web experience even more exciting by having four places to live!

I'm just saying,

Mittster

Aye, Robot!

Yes, I am feeling like a robot these days. Yes, dear – no, dear – yes, sir – no, sir – yes, son – no daughter…you get the idea. It seems like women have all the power and men just roam the bushes, gathering food by working for someone who takes advantage of the economic downturn and works us like dogs with little pay and no gratitude.

It’s the same around the house too. Honey dos up the kazoo; kids wanting the car keys and clothes all the time. “Good grief, give me a break; when I was your age….” Speaking of cars, you would think a teenager would use their allowance and put some fuel in the tank once in a while; although I suppose twenty bucks doesn’t go that far when it comes to gas.

What is it about teenage appetites these days? I swear there is no bottom to their stomachs. Two teenage kids can literally eat you out of house and home. I see them eat like piranhas and one hour later they are back robbing the fridge. It’s no wonder I don’t go the store with the wife shopping for food. I couldn’t handle the sticker shock!

And, what is it about the cost of high school? I thought public education was free. If I had a nickel for every time one of the kids hit me up for shoes, designer clothes and a boatload of other stuff, I could retire right now. We even have to pay for books. “When I was in high school….”

I especially hate Friday nights. This is when my wallet takes a real hit. I dole out the money for the boy to go cruising with his buddies in our car (Doesn’t one of his friends have a car?), while daughter bats her eyelashes, smiles, and my heart melts down into my wallet for whatever is left after boy shakes me down. This all happens while wifey sits in her TV chair and grins like Cheshire cat. Talk about conspiracy – this takes the cake.

Man, I just don’t know what the world is coming to now-a-days.

Mitt Winstead – 1975

Holy cow, I can’t imagine how parents are making it in the 21 Century!

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Natural Writing Talent

I really don't like the idiot's guide to this, that or the other thing. Not because it is demeaning and politically incorrect, but rather because it's too far to the left to describe me. Dolt fits me rather nicely. Although, I do have some pride; it's Mr. Dolt to you! Stay away from self-help books; they only help the pocket book of the authors. Your best bet is Google and the public library. Both are free, which is a good thing.

Since today's blog is about writing a novel, I will get on with it.

1. Screw what anyone has ever told you about writing. You can write and be a dolt at the same time. Most readers in the world are at the ninth grade level. This means your book does not need a genius writing it and in fact, less education can mean a great novel written from the heart and not the mind.

2. If I can write a novel, even Alfred E. Newman can write one.

3. Author newbies can't make any money writing. This is true, but in today's economy, you can't make any money anyway. At least you can be creative while eating peanut butter and jelly sammies.

4. There are no conventional publishers that will take on your book. This is also true, but you can sell gold jewelry and hire a POD (Publish on Demand) publisher. I personally recommend Wheatmark, Inc.

5. If you are passionate about your desire to write a book, the book will magically appear on Amazon.com. This is false, but if you work half as hard writing your book as you did trying to figuring out reasons why you can't write, it will appear on Amazon.com and your pride level will top out in the stratosphere.

6. Your book idea will be so good that other people will promote it. False again; you will be promoting your books until you leave the planet. Writing and promoting are your job, but not to worry, both are fun, especially when you sign your first book for your first customer!

7. How do you actually start writing a book? It's easy; write one word, then two, then a sentence. Sit back and read your first sentence. Write other sentences until you have a paragraph. Sit back and read your first paragraph. Keep writing until you have a chapter. Once you have a chapter, sit back and read it. If it excites you no end, keep writing. If you fall asleep, it's all over but the crying. You have just discovered you have no passion and you need to try finger painting. Don't be too worried about mistakes. Proofing and editing can be done by others. If you have no friends to help with fine tuning your book, sell some more gold jewelry. You’re going to need the money.

8. There is no way I can figure out how to copyright my book and all the other stuff I see in the pages of other books. Again, not to worry...the POD publisher will handle all the technical stuff. Great, one less reason for you to procrastinate; now get cracking writing your book!

9. When you run out of gold jewelry to sell, there is always your first born. Never give up or give in – there are worse ways not to earn a living.

10. Writing can be addictive; don't start unless you really like the high!

Write on,

Mittster

The Other Side

I copied a little ditty from Facebook last week concerning all the press attention the death of Steve Jobs was getting while our service men and women are being killed and wounded in Afghanistan and Iraq with little or no attention from the press. I readily clicked “like”; reposted, and went on my merry way without really thinking the situation through to the other side.

Without people like Steve Jobs who pioneered computing as we know it today, our fighting men and women would still be in the technology dark ages and dying at a much faster rate than we now see happening. That is not to say Americans dying in war is a good thing; what it does (in my mind) say is that many have not died because of computer technology that would otherwise be missing if it were not for the efforts of computer geeks like Mr. Jobs.

We live in a techno world which is expanding faster than the speed of light; and in fact, information in new atom computers will travel faster than light because there will be no space or time to slow them down. Our world is about to change into technologies unheard of just ten years ago.

I salute Steven Jobs as an American patriot who spent his lifetime pursuing the impossible and improbable while coming up with technologies that have and will continue to benefit mankind for decades to come. Every technology a soldier holds in his hands to communicate with his team in real time has a part of Steve Jobs inside. Yes, there are many more names that should be included, but they still live to invent even better technologies. They will just have to wait their turn for praise. Meanwhile, thank you, Mr. Jobs, for a life very well done!

Write on,

Mittster

Not for fuddy duddys!

I can’t believe how quickly funny pictures pile up on my puter. The only thing left to do is pile them up on yours!

Holy crap anywho...enough is enough!

Mittster