I Hate Football

Three things I should never do: go to a casino, pick a line in the grocery store, or pick a team to win the Super Bowl (or any football game for that matter). Last night I again demonstrated my ability to pick the losing team while making fun of my wife and kids every time the Steelers made a good play.

The two first quarter touchdowns by the Packers should have been a warning, but I had watched the Steelers win important games after big first half deficits before. What, me worry? After watching the Packers lose three star defensive players to injuries, I just knew the game was in the bag.

It was at this point that I put my thumbs up and pretended they were little people talking to each other while attending the game. Lefty spoke first, “Oh, look, Righty, our team just made a touchdown.” Righty responded, “Looks like wifey's team is losing big time!” Then they both said in unison, “Nana, nana, na na, nana, nana, na, na. You are going lose, you are going to lose.” I patterned the skit after the TV show South Park.

I continued this little skit until the fourth quarter and time was running out for my team. My little guys hung their heads in shame and slunk out of the stadium, never to be seen by the eyes of man again. I became silent as the Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl. I was now ready for the texting to start that would make my humiliation complete. My wife just looked at me, smiled and said, “You are such an idiot.”

That I am…that I am,

Mittster

Love Life!

Yesterday was an excellent day. My wife, Sandy, and I met Leslie and Hoppy Menninger at Harry’s Hideaway Restaurant in Cornville, Arizona. We were celebrating the release of my newest murder mystery, Day Stalker, and we wanted to present Leslie a signed copy of the book. She had worked hard to make the book presentable for publication and we wanted to show our appreciation.

While we were sitting at our table waiting for our friends, my wife moved closer and whispered how much she loved me. A simple thing but monumental to me; it’s the spontaneous things in life that are exciting. I don’t think there is anything more wonderful than knowing someone loves you with all their heart. There is no doubt that Sandy loves me that way. She would have to, because my faults are many and she is a saint compared to me. I thank God up above for leading me to the most wonderful woman in the universe. February 21 will mark our sixteenth year of marriage and what a wonderful sixteen years they have been!

We had a fabulous lunch while joking with each other and laughing between mouthfuls of scrumptious food. It was obvious that dessert would be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but we didn’t care and dove into the sweet stuff with forks and enthusiasm. By the time we left the restaurant, the four of us were stuffed beyond hope and headed for our respective homes for TV and naps. Of course, my wife finished up the laundry while I dosed watching TV. That’s just the kind of person she is….

Yes, life is good, even in hard times and an uncertain world. I plan to turn every day into a microcosm of events that make my life last for an eternity every twenty-four hours, while not worrying about the end of life. The end will be a complete surprise and I will have the last laugh.

Write on,

Mittster

Stop The Presses!

To help get the message out concerning my Tucson, Arizona, book signing of Day Stalker, February 12, at Hangover’s bar & grill at 22nd and Alvernon, I sent the Tucson Daily Citizen newspaper a press release. I was forced to e-mail the release to the person in charge of entertainment because there was no longer a specific address for press releases. The chances of it being printed are slim indeed.

I used to be able to send information concerning special events to any newspaper in the state and they would print a blurb. It seems that the industry is changing rapidly. No more free stuff – I suspect the economy and electronic media are the culprits. Soon you will be only reading the paper on a Kindle device or cell phones. What are we going to use for the bottom of our evil Meyer's parrot cage?

Like everything else; either keep up or drop out. I finally went online and put both murder mysteries in a Kindle format so folks could download and enjoy Evil in the Mirror and Day Stalker. We live in an electronic world and I am thankful that early on I stayed with the trend. Of course the young people are light-years ahead of me, but they are all headlong into video games, while I am trying to sell books to my peers. No competition there….

One thing does bother me; with my Website, blog, Twitter, Facebook and promotions, I have little time to write! There is a consolation prize though – every other author is dealing with the same dilemma. The author with the most electronic selling schemes wins the most fans!

Personally, I like tailgate selling. Everywhere I shop you can hear me asking the big question to anyone near me; “Do you like murder mysteries?” The majority either like them or know someone who does. I pass out business cards and many times sell books right on the spot. The best part is that everyone wants a signed book by a local author and they are willing to pay retail for the “autograph.” Little do they know the pleasure is all mine and I really hope they enjoy my books.

Write on,

Mittster

He Who Laughs First

He who laughs first gets laughed at last. Yes, I was making fun of all the people stuck up to their mud flaps in snow in the rest of the country while Arizona was basking in the warm sun. How was I to know we were headed for record-breaking cold throughout the state?

The problem of making fun of someone is that it always comes back to haunt you. Oh, well, at least my cockiness gave rise to some humor for a whole bunch of people who have little to laugh about. My only redemption is that I lived in Michigan for nine years and had a taste of -30 degrees and a boatload of snow.

I have an idea; why doesn’t everyone from the Midwest move to Arizona? Our state would be much warmer by the time you get here, and we could sell you some of the thousands of surplus and foreclosed homes that dot our landscape. You could be part of another construction boom!

Trust me; you will get used to cactus, scorpions, rattlesnakes, Gila monsters, and 118 degree heat. Besides, it really is a dry heat.... Did I ever tell you never trust a man who says “trust me”?

Write on,

Mittster

What Darwin Missed

I am sitting here in my office looking at a calendar with a picture of two beautifully colored parakeets kissing on a tree branch in the wild. The picture struck me as odd in the sense that death from many sources could strike the two love birds down in an instant, but there they were kissing like they were in their own universe.

Our beautiful blue planet harbors a chilling reality. Only the strong survive and eat or be eaten is the rule. Even some plant life is carnivorous and no species is immune from being eaten by something big or small. This is the reality of evolution; this is the reality of life on the third planet from the sun.

There is also another reality not written in the text books. It is the reality and power of love. Every species on earth has the ability to love. Love is supposedly genetic in nature, but never associated with evolution. In the academic world, love is associated with the mating urge. “Animals don’t love; they just follow their instinct to propagate.” To this I say, “Bull poop!”

We humans are finally waking up to the fact that animals are far more intelligent than ever imagined. The size of a brain has always been equated to intelligence. Sometimes size does matter, but not in this case – small brains can have huge ideas. We have a Meyer’s parrot living with us, and when I look into his eyes, I see great intelligence and amazing psychic power. He sees into my mind and understands my thoughts. We communicate on a much higher level than when I talk to my neighbors.

So where is all this leading? Well, sometimes I need to be serious about my blog’s content. I would like my readers to take a minute and love whatever pet is close by. I mean really take the time to let your pet or pets know how much you love them. It’s great practice for loving our fellow human beings too.

I’m just saying,

Mittster

All Work and No Play Sucks

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!" If you have the balls, click on dull boy. If not, read what I have plagiarized off the Internet and enjoy a good laugh. Or, do both and live a little!

I’m just saying no original blog today,

Mittster


"DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish..........49
Adventurous..........Slept with everyone
Athletic..........No tits
Average looking..........Ugly
Beautiful..........Pathological liar
Contagious smile..........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..........On medication
Feminist..........Fat
Free spirit..........Junkie
Friendship first..........Former very "friendly" person
Fun..........Annoying
New Age..........Body hair in wrong places
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing..........Loud and embarrassing
Passionate..........Sloppy drunk
Professional..........Bitch
Voluptuous..........Very fat
Large frame..........Hugely fat
Wants soul mate..........Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes..........No
2. No..........Yes
3. Maybe..........No
4. We need..........I want
5. I am sorry..........you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk..........you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead..........you better not
8. Do what you want..........you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset..........of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight..........is sex all you think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry..........I am hungry
2. I am sleepy..........I am sleepy
3. I am tired..........I am tired
4. Nice dress..........Nice cleavage!
5. I love you..........let's have sex now
6. I am bored..........Do you want to have sex now?
7. May I have this dance?..........I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime?..........I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie?..........I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you our to dinner?..........I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit..........I'm gay"

The Mother of all Nightmares

I wonder if there is an old folk’s home for authors like the one in Hollywood for retired actors. The only reason I am asking is because I had a nightmare last night and dreamt I was 101 years old peddling books like pencils on a street corner. I was wearing rags and my shoes were faded flip flops. I was still trying to sell my first orders of Evil in the Mirror and Day Stalker. I don’t know what happened to my third book, The Phoenix Code, which would have finished the trilogy. Guess I never got around to writing it.

My evil twin brother, Walt, rode by in the back of a big beautiful limousine and had his driver stop just long enough to buy a book. As they left, Walt waved goodbye with a wicked grin on his face. I do regret making him a famous villain in my books while I stand here in obscurity. You would think he would take me in, but I guess he is too busy being the world’s oldest movie star.

My wife left me for a younger man who was a successful author and had best sellers running out his ears. I guess I don’t blame her too much; after all, this street corner is no place for a woman. Besides, if I am ever going to be a bestselling author, I need to travel light and be able to sell on multiple corners. I do have a strategy; it has just taken a little longer than I figured to sell that first million books.

As I awoke this morning, it took a few moments to realize that it had all been just a bad dream. Walt was still more obscure than I, and my wife was sleeping next to me with the dogs cuddled nearby. I had clean PJs on and instead of flip flops, my warm slippers begged to be put on. I jumped out of bed and rushed to the computer with renewed vigor to finish The Phoenix Code, and sell more books lest the dream become a self-fulfilling prophesy. The moral of the story? Never, ever give up!

Write on,

Mittster