I Crush You Flo

Ok, I admit it – I have a crush on the Progressive Insurance lady Flo. This is not easy to admit when you are a married man, but admit it I must. Wifey already suspects something is going on because of my incessant request for a Flo Bobblehead doll

and I turn up the volume on the TV whenever her commercials come on. I especially like the commercials when she is riding Harleys. Man, she can ride with me anytime. She would have to wear the same clothes as in the commercials though, that’s part of the deal. What can I say…I am kind of kinky?

I know if my wife catches me dressing up our Chiuhuahua it will be all over but the crying, but I just can't help myself!

I even drempt that she was a vampire trying to suck my blood. Holy Anne Rice, that was a scary dream. I'm thinking it would almost be worth it as long as she made me one of them and I could hang out with her forever.

I remember when Flo pulled the plug on Flo-bot. I was just wondering if the broken robot was for sale or something. You know, it would be great to have as a memento or something. Not like a London Love Doll, but something?

I did find a picture of Flo out of uniform. I'm sorry, Flo, but it just isn't the same. I have a crush on the Progressive Flo, not the real Flo. Parting in such sweat sorrow....

I'm just saying,

Mittster

Free Book Writing Course

I really don't like the idiot's guide to this, that or the other thing. Not because it is demeaning and politically incorrect, but rather because it's too far to the left to describe me. Dolt fits me rather nicely. Although, I do have some pride; it's Mr. Dolt to you!

Since today's blog is a book-writing course, I will get on with it.

A. Screw what anyone has ever told you about writing. You can write and be a dolt at the same time.

B. If I can write a novel, even Alfred E. Newman can write one.

C. Author newbies can't make any money writing. This is true, but in today's economy, you can't make any money anyway. At least you can be creative while eating peanut butter and jelly sammies.

D. There are no conventional publishers that will take on your book. This is also true, but you can sell gold jewelry and hire a POD (Publish on Demand) publisher.

E. If you are passionate about your desire to write a book, the book will magically appear on Amazon.com. This is false, but if you work half as hard writing your book as you did trying to figuring out reasons why you can't write, it will appear on Amazon.com and your pride level will top out in the stratosphere.

F. Your book idea will be so good that other people will promote it. False again; you will be promoting your books until you leave the planet. Writing and promoting are your job, but not to worry, both are fun, especially when you sign your first book for your first customer!

Evil in the Mirror

G. How do you actually start writing a book? It's easy; write one word, then two, then a sentence. Sit back and read your first sentence. Write other sentences until you have a paragraph. Sit back and read your first paragraph. Keep writing until you have a chapter. Once you have a chapter, sit back and read it. If it excites you no end, keep writing. If you fall asleep, it's all over but the crying. You have just discovered you have no passion and you need to try finger painting. Don't be too worried about mistakes. Proofing and editing can be done by others. If you have no friends to help with fine tuning your book, sell some more gold jewelry. You’re going to need the money.

H. There is no way I can figure out how to copyright my book and all the other stuff I see in the pages of other books. Again, not to worry...the POD publisher will handle all the technical stuff. Great, one less reason for you to procrastinate.

I. When you run out of gold jewelry to sell, there is always your first born. Never give up or give in…there are worse ways not to earn a living.

Write on,

Mittster

King Mittster

I know most of us have given thought of what it would be like if we could be king or queen of the world for a day. Just thinking of the wrongs we could make right gives us all hope and inspiration even if it were just for a fleeting moment in time.

Well, guess what, my fellow Americans, I have taken it one step further. I am now king of the whole world for one full twenty-four hour day. You may ask how this miracle happened and the answer is simple. I proclaimed it, so let it be written – let it be done!

I know we live in a democracy and voting for a President and other noneffective political positions in our government is the usual way leaders are proclaimed. But, because of the total ineffectual, comical and idiotic way things have turned out, having me for your King for a day will be sufficient time to straighten many things out.

Let’s start with our multi-trillion dollar deficit. As of this second, we no longer have a National debt. Why? Because I am now calling in all the money owed this country from foreign countries that we rebuilt after the really, really bad guys bombed and occupied their countries during W.W.II. I am also calling in the money we spent repairing the countries that mothered the bad guys, which was the reason we had to bomb them into submission in the first place. Money received…National debt gone!

Picture of Berlin, Germany

Effectively immediately, there will be no more corruption in our Government. Anyone over the age of forty will be retired with no pension, healthcare or Social Security until they have reached the age of seventy. At which time, they will participate in the same programs with which the rest of us are strapped. Misery loves company! Why do they have to wait until they are seventy? Because that is exactly what they want us to do so they can rake in even more money for perks.

All Federal, state, and municipal governments will be privatized in a matter of minutes after this proclamation is read. How? Not one government worker will receive a paycheck until they find a civilian employer willing to hire them. Since there are no jobs, and even if there were, no one would hire them; I suggest they pack their bags and hit the road to France. I hear that country is looking for government type lackeys all the time.

As soon as possible, all military personnel will be transferred from all foreign countries and stationed along the American – Mexican border. Any and all drug smugglers caught peddling their poison will be shot and then retained in a freezer for deportation. Illegals crossing the border will be retained and then deported to France to serve all the American politicians moving there. Any and all coyotes caught smuggling illegals across the border will be tied to a mesquite tree and left in the elements for a minimum of thirty days without water or food. If their skeletons can walk after that time period is up, they may return to their own country without further harassment.

Now what about banks, lending institutions and investment companies? Everyone knows I am against capital punishment, mainly because too many innocent people have been executed by overzealous district attorneys who would have an innocent person die before admitting to being wrong. So what do we do with these greedy, corrupt, ruthless money grubbers who would steal a widow’s last dime to live the lavish lifestyle which they have become accustomed?

The answer is simple; we let the Wall Streeters fight it out with the district attorneys in mortal jousting combat just like on television. The winners will be deported to England where jousting originated and is still practiced in the House of Commons.

Ah, yes, the high cost of medical care. The solution is so simple – for every five minutes you are kept waiting past your appointment time, you will receive one hundred dollars.

The money is to be paid in cash and due upon leaving of the doctor’s office. Problem solved, and in no time you will have enough money to send your kids to medical school and then be able to receive free medical care for the duration.

The problem of the high cost of gas is not really a problem anymore. Five minutes ago I nationalized all the gas companies in America and its territories. The price of gas and other fuels will be no higher than fifty cents a gallon. Anyone trying to gouge a customer will have to drink the amount of fuel they tried to cheat you for. It’s called an eye for an eye! The offending dealer can go to his doctor and probably make more money on the one hundred dollar refund deal than he would have trying to cheat you in the first place.

Four flavors to pick from.

Oh, crap, my wife tells me that my day of being King is over.

If you missed out on any of the measures I initiated, I am truly sorry. I guess a day just isn’t long enough to make a difference. Well, it sure wasn’t for the lack of trying….

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Newbie Authors

I have some newbie author friends out there who are just about to jump off a bridge because they can’t make a living as an author. They know their work is not only good, but brilliant, yet they still can’t sell enough books to even come close to recouping their investment of time, money, sweat and tears.

Unless you are an author, you can never truly appreciate the work it takes to write a novel. It takes months of research, proofing, editing, more and more proofing and editing, and that’s not the half of it. Creativity takes energy and sometimes the energy just isn’t there. That is called writer’s block and even though it isn’t permanent, the delay causes depression.

That is when an author really has to prove his or her salt. They have to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and get on with writing yet another chapter – then another and so on until the rough draft is finally finished.

You might ask yourself why someone would go to all that trouble and then have to face the fact that it’s a one in a billion chance that the book will become popular, let alone a “best seller.”

All newbie writers know the odds, yet they try with all their heart and soul to beat the odds. Therein lies the rub – you see, writers are compelled to create stories that take their readers on a journey of discovery, no matter the genre. It’s not like they have a choice. Painters are much the same way; they paint because they must.

When you understand your compulsion, it becomes easier to accept the fact that you were born to write no matter what time in your life you started writing. Grandma Moses was elderly when she started painting and didn’t live long enough to fully understand the impact her work would have on the painting world.

I admire newbie writers because they take that monumental step to fulfill their desire to create. They write the first paragraph and then magic happens; a novel is born. I have come to the conclusion that we newbies share a common bond that will never be broken. So we don’t sell a million books, so what! How many people on the planet have accomplished what we have by writing a novel, let alone two or even more?

Stand tall, my fellow newbies, we can be satisfird with our accomplishments. I am proud to be an author, albeit unknown. I figure when my third murder mystery is completed, I will no longer be a newbie – just an unknown author who still has his integrity.

Write on,

Mittster

Please, No Weekend Blogs!

What the hell is wrong with me, I can't stop posting blogs seven days a week even if I have to copy a stupid e-mail and call it a blog! Oh, well, they are funny and the laughter is worth the price of reading. I just need to face it once and for all. I’m a geek and proud of it!

1. How Do You catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

3. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath

4. How do you get holy water?
You boil the Hell out of it.

5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

6. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

9. What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

10. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.

11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What lies at the bottom of rhe ocean and twitches?
A Nervous wreck.

14. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

17. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?!
The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.

21. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A Bad golfer goes whack, damn!
A bad skydiver goes damn, whack!

22. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

Now, admit it.... At least one of these made you smile.

Support bacteria.
They're the only culture some people have.