King Mittster

I know most of us have given thought of what it would be like if we could be king or queen of the world for a day. Just thinking of the wrongs we could make right gives us all hope and inspiration even if it were just for a fleeting moment in time.

Well, guess what, my fellow Americans, I have taken it one step further. I am now king of the whole world for one full twenty-four hour day. You may ask how this miracle happened and the answer is simple. I proclaimed it, so let it be written – let it be done!

I know we live in a democracy and voting for a President and other noneffective political positions in our government is the usual way leaders are proclaimed. But, because of the total ineffectual, comical and idiotic way things have turned out, having me for your King for a day will be sufficient time to straighten many things out.

Let’s start with our multi-trillion dollar deficit. As of this second, we no longer have a National debt. Why? Because I am now calling in all the money owed this country from foreign countries that we rebuilt after the really, really bad guys bombed and occupied their countries during W.W.II. I am also calling in the money we spent repairing the countries that mothered the bad guys, which was the reason we had to bomb them into submission in the first place. Money received…National debt gone!

Picture of Berlin, Germany

Effectively immediately, there will be no more corruption in our Government. Anyone over the age of forty will be retired with no pension, healthcare or Social Security until they have reached the age of seventy. At which time, they will participate in the same programs with which the rest of us are strapped. Misery loves company! Why do they have to wait until they are seventy? Because that is exactly what they want us to do so they can rake in even more money for perks.

All Federal, state, and municipal governments will be privatized in a matter of minutes after this proclamation is read. How? Not one government worker will receive a paycheck until they find a civilian employer willing to hire them. Since there are no jobs, and even if there were, no one would hire them; I suggest they pack their bags and hit the road to France. I hear that country is looking for government type lackeys all the time.

As soon as possible, all military personnel will be transferred from all foreign countries and stationed along the American – Mexican border. Any and all drug smugglers caught peddling their poison will be shot and then retained in a freezer for deportation. Illegals crossing the border will be retained and then deported to France to serve all the American politicians moving there. Any and all coyotes caught smuggling illegals across the border will be tied to a mesquite tree and left in the elements for a minimum of thirty days without water or food. If their skeletons can walk after that time period is up, they may return to their own country without further harassment.

Now what about banks, lending institutions and investment companies? Everyone knows I am against capital punishment, mainly because too many innocent people have been executed by overzealous district attorneys who would have an innocent person die before admitting to being wrong. So what do we do with these greedy, corrupt, ruthless money grubbers who would steal a widow’s last dime to live the lavish lifestyle which they have become accustomed?

The answer is simple; we let the Wall Streeters fight it out with the district attorneys in mortal jousting combat just like on television. The winners will be deported to England where jousting originated and is still practiced in the House of Commons.

Ah, yes, the high cost of medical care. The solution is so simple – for every five minutes you are kept waiting past your appointment time, you will receive one hundred dollars.

The money is to be paid in cash and due upon leaving of the doctor’s office. Problem solved, and in no time you will have enough money to send your kids to medical school and then be able to receive free medical care for the duration.

The problem of the high cost of gas is not really a problem anymore. Five minutes ago I nationalized all the gas companies in America and its territories. The price of gas and other fuels will be no higher than fifty cents a gallon. Anyone trying to gouge a customer will have to drink the amount of fuel they tried to cheat you for. It’s called an eye for an eye! The offending dealer can go to his doctor and probably make more money on the one hundred dollar refund deal than he would have trying to cheat you in the first place.

Four flavors to pick from.

Oh, crap, my wife tells me that my day of being King is over.

If you missed out on any of the measures I initiated, I am truly sorry. I guess a day just isn’t long enough to make a difference. Well, it sure wasn’t for the lack of trying….

I’m just saying,

Mittster